if only

if only I could explain you how much I feel to you.How strong clear and true my feelings are.I am so thankful that my life gave me a chance to meet you.Unfortunatly you do not feel the same way.I m trying to be better .I m trying to change ,to grow up,to learn more.Honestly. I m ready.I m ready for love, for feelings,for relationship.I m so fucking done with tears and lonlyness,so tired of those dreams about US that will never come true.What is that thing called love?what is this pain?I am afraid of myself ,I m afraid of being so tupid and naive,but I can t help it.i m still in love with you,I m still dreaming.If only I could change or prove something to you?You are my only one.I can see the whole world in your eyes,I can hear music inside of your heart.Actually YOU r my world.YOU r my music.You r my inspiration ,you r a shining star on my way.I can see how bright and perfect you r but I will never be able to touch you.If only I was strong enough to kill this feeling inside of me,I would never have hard times with myself.I m too dreamy and too weak and childish to accept the fact that some dreams r not gonna turn into reality.I wish I were able to controll my feeling,i wish there were somebody who warned me about you.But there is nothing I can change about my past.If only i could be better,if only you could fall in love with me,if only,if only,if only....

m-m-m

its 2nd of july already but the real summer time just started a week ago what is really weird.It is nice and warm outside the sun is shining and i feel really good drinking my iced coffe and eating ma favourite rittersport milk chocolate.Life is a wonderful thing,especially when u r wearing xs size shorts and a pink dsquared top;)
But there is just one thing left that makes me sad .....not even sad it makes me nervous cause I can not change it ,I ve already done my best to show U what I am.But probably i m not good enough yet so that s why i keep working.Some people believe its not possible to be perfect.I m sure it is ,U r the right example.And i m on my way already))m-m-m i know this summer energy and atmosphere will help me to reach my goal even faster.
Even if it is a little hard we all have some difficulties on our ways so there is nothing impossible in our lives

u'r not beautiful

I just realized yesterday how stupid and ridiculous is my behavior.It s almost summer.And what I'm doing is so childish.Since the day I saw u last time I m trying to check your page on fb every time I open my laptop.I'm doing that every day.Every fucking day I m trying to find something new,to get to know even just a little bit about your private life,cause the only way I can see you is facebook.No wait it s not true, not only fb.I can see you in my dreams ,I can even create a perfect love story where u and I together.I can imagine us watching the waves on a beach and it s just two of us in the whole world.And u love me.And I love u as nobody in this world.What can I do to make u mine?If i can do anything.
[Image]I am waiting for u,but what for?U never promised me anything.So why am I waiting?Do u know the answer?Probably not cause even i don't.You r not the one I always was dreaming about,you don t have perfect appearance and body,u'r not so smart and clever,u r not those one I was looking for.You'r not even beautiful.You'r fucking perfect.Turn into reality ,come back.

There is nothing in this world that can refresh your memories better than different smells.So this weekends brought me to my past several times making me feel a little sad.I went to the russian store on Saturday.There so many different Russian specific dishes in that shop,like ''sirniki,varenniki,golubci''(idk if i should explain what that is but believe me it s tasty) and other interesting things that I did not try for a long time.But i still remember how it tastes and smells,because my grandmother used to cook it a lot when I was back home.So I imagined my grandparents at the village working at the garden,then our dinner together,then grandma and I watching TV,then my elder sisters come visit and we are eating ,laughing,playing cards and watching TV again.How much fun it was.How lovely those summer evenings were and how different I were.Oh actually no.I was not different,I was the same but I was a little child with no problems.I don't know if I changed a lot since that time ,but time definitely changed.I'm older,more responsible and serious,my sisters 'r older having their jobs ,families and new interests,my grandparents are older,tired and already sick.I enjoy my present,I m exited about my future but sometimes I really miss my past.Sweet and mild.Like a teaspoon of honey.That's how nostalgia smells.

''She was so slow but finally she is there''

The spring came in Boston. Finally !!!We was waiting for so long but it was worth it.I can not recognize the city. So many beautiful flowers!The trees are getting green,everything and everybody are waking up after the long and snowy winter.I just love everything that is going on around me right now. This atmosphere makes me feel like I am alive again,it makes me strong and hopeful.I can' t wait to go to the ocean and to relax in front of the beach,cause I already have a new swimming suit!So I m even ready for the summer.Beautiful day,gorgeous  life,great plans.Thanks God I 'm here.

NY state of mind

We all have some strange things about ourselves . Some traits of character or habits can seem absolutely normal for you and extremely weird for everybody around . The thing about me is that  I hate watching TV.I don’t love movies shows news since fiction programs . Nothing . But a month ago when I felt sad and lost a friend of mine gave me a wonderful pink box with the best show ever that is called ,,Sex and the city ‘’.When he was giving it to me he said but be careful and never watch it on Friday evening . Every time I do that I get up in the morning next day ,go to New York and spend all y money’’ . I did not pay a lot of attention to his words but now I know what he was talking about .

This show made me  feel something new I fell in love with NY even before I went there . It turned out that in the reality it is even more beautiful .This is a city where you can find everything you are looking for except calmness .Everybody are always busy and concentrated , even rude sometimes . But so different. It is interesting just to look at the people and suppose who they are, where  they are working at ,where they are rushing to , because you will never see  two alike persons.

NY is the city that never sleeps and never stops . It is active and full of energy from morning till night . And this energy gave me a new breath and power ,like if I was a broken watches and somebody changed the battery.

New York is a city of contrasts . It is a combination of incongruous things together that make it unique and so gorgeous . From art to fashion ,from cultural  centers to clubs and bars , from education to entertainment ,from nature to urban NY combine everything. Luxury and Glamorous it s very simple and casual at the same time .Expensive shops alternates with the cheap stores , nice restaurants with cheap fast food cafes ,enormous skyscrapers with little funny houses , narrow streets with wide roads and huge squares, quite parks and crowded subway.

But it does not look strange or absurdly . All this things just make this city , unique and special different from any others. At the same time you can find a little piece of any part of the world in NY . It has special atmosphere and mood that influence on you and change something inside. And this atmosphere keeps me staying strong, positive, ambitious ,open for everything new and unpredictable ,ready to work hard and not to let my minimum to be my maximum.

I realized what is my dream five years ago and I started to move step by step in the right direction . Now I know where my dream is living and waiting for me;)!!In NY!!

That s how one little thing can encourage you to do something really great and significant for you that will bring you so many changes ,will give you an ability to take a new breath of fresh air . And I am really thankful that my life gives me so many opportunities . How many interesting things are still hiding from me ? How many places I have not  seen yet ? How many people I have not met yet? Life is beautiful period of time that gives you a great amount of abilities and opportunities , just be attentive , grasping and sensitive ,don t let yourself miss anything ,life is too beautiful,but too short unfortunately!

greentea morning

Everyday of my life is a new experience . Every disappointment is a new lesson to analyze and learn . Every mistake is a sign to change something . Every smile is a blessing and gift . Every open door is a new entrance . Every road is a new way, hard and complicated , or quite and soft, but always new and exiting . Every closed door is supposed to have a key if you r the one who allowed to get in.

My life is a long beautiful way full of tears and smiles , compromises  argues, happiness and sadness , loneliness and disability to stay alone . And this contrast make it more and more gorgeous . My way is a wonderful avenue in a dream city planted with roses,irises , tulips , maples and needless trees , lindens and birches . And every time something new grows up . And I am not too dreamy. I know that it will turn into the reality very soon  because there is nothing in the word that can be stronger that human passion.

I am in the process now and every time new ideas comes to my head. And it makes me stronger and more mature .Sometimes I feel like I am quarrelling with my parents too much but it s because they love me as nobody in this world. And I am happy that , because I know that we are getting threw this to find harmony in our relationship .And I am happy . The person who was so close to me is dead physically but he is always alive in my heart and memory. He is alive till I can hear music. And I am happy that I met him. I have problems with my health but if I faced it, it just means that God is sure that I am strong enough to overcome it . And I am happy, because it builds my character and confidence. If I am struggling now I’ll be free in the future.

I am not afraid of the death because God loves us too much and listens to our praying too careful to make us suffer so hard anytime and anywhere. And I am happy to realize that because I know that I am safe , I’m loved, I am in secure .

I am happy to have eyes ,legs and hands ,because I can move . Moreover I can move forward and look around .And I am happy that my first romance had started ,because I am falling in love with myself .I appreciate and celebrate myself and thank God for every breath I take .